Jay Z Is The Devil (Trust Me...He REALLY Is)

Posted On Monday, July 8, 2013

Jay Z is the devil. And I don’t mean that illumanti crap cause to be honest I don’t even know what that’s about. I’m talking satan…you know, the dude who tricked Adam and Eve. Why is Jay the devil you ask? Cause he’s the master trickster. See, in Genesis, satan comes to Eve and tricks her into eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge which was the tree God told her NOT to eat from. And it’s the same way every time Jay Z has a new album droppin’ he tricks us into believing something...that’s not real. Every time Jay is on tap, there’s always whispers and a buzz that THIS time, Jay is going back to his roots on some boom bap ish. Don’t front, after cats heard D.O.A. off the Blueprint 3 we all were really believing that the rest of the album was gonna have “that” feel to it right? And what happened? Jay tricked us. Or if we REALLY wanna get technical, wasn’t dude suppose to retire after “The Black Album” back in ’04? Wasn’t that the hype of the album, that THIS time was gonna be Jay’s last hoorah and we better go out and buy this album cause it would be the last time we heard from dude? Remember that? Well, 3 albums (remember he tricked us into believing he was retiring) later on the eve of game 6 of the NBA finals, I start hearing some buzz that Jay had something special planned for game 6. I figured dude would put on a halftime show like those lil kid dance groups or like the monkey who rides the bike backwards but after “The Blueprint 3” I’d written Jay off (for like the 3rd time) so I could care less what this dude had up his sleeve.

But then something crazy happened. A commercial comes on with Jay in the studio with Timbaland (one of my all time fave producers), Pharrell, Swizz Beatz and Rick Rubin working on new music and then he says he’s droppin’ an album in 2 weeks on July 4th. And in about the same time it took for satan to get Eve to eat the fruit, Jay got me to care again. But how couldn’t I care? This dude is in the studio with 4 of the ILLEST producers of all time and all of them are gonna be on the album?!?!?? This jawn is gonna be like the new millineum’s “Illmatic!” But then a couple of days later I was talking to my brother Ev and I was like “you know what? Jay NEVER said that any of those dudes produced anything on the album. He just showed them in the studio playing beats for him. WE are the ones who ASSUMED by what he showed us meant that he was using ALL 4 of those producers.” Then about a week later, I see an article in XXL about how Rick Rubin didn’t do anything on the album and he was in the commercial because Jay asked him to be. Cause Jay asked him to be? Ah, satan strikes again with his trickery. Then I see another article about how Mike Will Made It produced something on the album and I’m like Mike Will Made It?!?!?! That nigga wasn’t in the commercial! Why wasn’t he in the commercial you asked? Cause 99.7% of the people watching the NBA finals don’t know who the hell Mike Will Made It is! That’s pretty sneaky sis…so after finding out I’ve been duped once again by satan, I’m left wondering, how good will this “Magna Carta Holy Grail” REALLY be? 

“MCHG” sets off with “Holy Grail” featuring Justin Timberlake which uses the first beat that’s playing during the Samsung commercial which is bugged cause as soon as I heard that beat I said “Jay mos def NEEDS to set the album off with this” so it’s no surprise that this is one of my favorite songs off the album. “Picasso” sounds like the 2013 version of Jay’s Primo produced “So Ghetto” and has Jay on his regular braggadocios  I’m richer then you steez where he names a whole bunch of ish that 93.8% of the people listening don’t know what the hell he’s talking about BUT they’ll front like they do. But the highlight of “Picasso” for me is the beat change at the end which is probably the closest we’ll ever get to hearing Jay coming outta his “underground” bag. “Fuckwithmeyouknowigotit” featuring Rick Ross has these two “bosses” going back in forth on who’s in the most exotic place and who has the most ish while “Oceans” featuring Frank Ocean is a straight banger even though I have absolutely NO idea what Frank Ocean is talking about (but then again, I never know what Frank Ocean is talking about so that’s nuthin’ new) and has Jay spittin’ lines like “dope boy still smelling like cocaine/white boat, white robe, can he be more cleaner/the oil spill that BP ain’t clean up, I’m anti Santa Maria/only Christoper we acknowledge is Wallace, I don’t even like Washingtons in my pocket.” “F.U.T.W.” and “Heaven” follow in the same vein of the beat switch in “Picasso” cause they both got that classic RZA vibe to ‘em and gives us backpackers what we’ve been picketing Jay to give us for years.

“Part 2 (On the Run)” featuring Beyonce is probably the closest thing to a love song we’re gonna get outta Jay. With Bey singing “I don’t care if we’re on the run, baby as long as I’m next to you” for a sec you can’t help but think (even if it’s just for a millisecond) that these two may actually really like each other. “BBC” sounds like a party on Saturday night going on in Spanish Harlem with Nas, Swizz Beatz, Timbo, Pharell and Beyonce all invited and “Jay Z Blue” is probably Jay’s most personal song to date with Jay doing his usual BIG biting (my bad, I mean paying homage) while speaking on the challenges of being a good father without having his father in his life. “Baby need pampers, Daddy need at least 3 weeks in the Hamptons/please don’t judge me, only hugged the block cause I thought my Daddy didn’t love me/my baby getting chubby/cue that Stevie Wonder music Isn’t She Lovely/now I’m staring at her praying things don’t get ugly/and I’m stuck in that old cycle, like wife leaves hubby/f-ck joint custody, I need a joint right now, just the thought alone f-cks with me.” “Nickles and Dimes” ends the album on a dope note but my two favorite songs on “MCHG” are EASILY “Tom Ford” (who I had to google to find out who the hell that was…don’t act like I was the only one) and “Somewhereinamerica.” The later has Jay explaining to ya’ll why he’s so good at math and “how you should come to the house warming, find out what your new neighbor’s about” and “Tom Ford” is just flat out CRAZY and has my fave line off “MCHG” with “hands down got the best flow, sound I’m so special,/sound boy burial, this my Wayne Perry flow/ya’ll don’t know nothing about Wayne Perry though, District of Columbia, guns on your Tumblrs/f-ck hashtags and retweet niggas, 140 character in these streets nigga.”

My biggest beef with “MCHG” and where I’ve gotten into the most arguments about it with dudes, is the lyrics. Now, it’s not like these lyrics are horrible, they’re just horrible for Jay Z. It’s almost like he’s now doing what he shot down Nas for with the “ you made it a hot line, I made it a hot song” line. In the past, I wanted to memorize a whole Jay song, not just a line here and there. But with “MCHG” I find myself just wanting to spit certain lines here and there and just enjoy the beat for the rest of the songs. And that right there ain’t Jay’s normal steez with me. This album is on some what if ish like, what if  Jordan averaged 20.7 ppg during the 1995-1996 NBA season  instead of 30.7 ppg? I mean, 20.7 ppg is respectable for a regular player but MJ wasn’t some regular player. He was the GOAT. Now, by no means do I think Jay is the GOAT (ya’ll know who the GOAT is to me) but he’s mos def in my top 3 and I expect more form this dude. The same way we’d expect more then averaging 20.7  ppg from Jordan. Now the funniest part of the game for me is what would you think if somebody tried to tell you that Jordan was just as nice playing for the Wizards as he was when he played for the Bulls? Well, THAT'S how I feel when a RACK of dudes are trying to tell me that about Jay on “MCHG.” And after SO many arguments with cats about Jay’s lyrics on this album, I started wondering “how do folk REALLY and honestly believe in their heart of hearts that Jay is STILL just as nice now as he was back in his Reasonable Doubt and Blueprint days?" And that’s when I had an epiphany. And the epiphany was that these Jay Z stans…are in love with dude. And I TRULY mean that they’re in LOVE with him. Now before you think I’m bullshitting, peep game. You ever have a homeboy who’s messing with a chick and you can see she’s obviously playing your dude and you try to tell your man he’s getting played, to the point you have physical evidence that she’s playing him and when you approach dude, there’s absolutely NOTHING that you can do or say to get him to see it? And you know why he can’t see it? It’s because he’s in love. And when you’re in love…you’re blind.

And that’s how these Jay Z stans are, they’re blind. Do I think it’s f-cking pathetic that grown men have a man crush (and who the hell invented that phrase “man crush?!?!?!” Whoever came up with that phrase AND whoever uses it need to kill themselves…not now but right now) on another man? Hell yeah, it’s pathetic but it is what it is. Because there’s absolutely no way you can listen to “MCHG” and tell me that Jay is as lyrically sharp as he was 13+ years ago unless you either a.) don’t know ish about hip hop and what “real” lyrics are, b.) you’re deaf or c.) you wanna bang Jay Z…there are no other options. I’m one of the biggest Primo fans in the world but I’ll be the 1st to admit that over the past 5 years, dude has put up some bricks. How am I able to admit that? Because I’m not in love with Primo, I’m just a fan but I was raised to call a spade a spade. But again, when you’re in love it’s just like what Flava Flav told us “you’re blind to the facts.” I think one of the problems with these Jay Z stans (cause they got A LOT of problems if you got a man crush) is that they look at the business Jay Z in the same light as the rapper Jay Z and they can’t differentiate between the two. Cause I’m sure a RACK of dudes stamped “MCHG” a classic as soon as they saw the commercial. They didn’t have to hear a song, a line or nuthin’. Just seeing that he had a partnership with Samsung and a commercial during the NBA finals was enough for them to christen this a classic. And his deal with Samsung was an AMAZING business deal…but what does that have to do with rap? If you wanna give Jay 5 mics for being a business man, you’ll get absolutely no argument from me but cats trying to tell me that “MCHG” is a classic is like telling me that John Starks belongs in the hall. Starks was a SOLID NBA player but far from HOF material. The same way “MCHG” is a SOLID album but FAR from classic material.

I think one of the worst things about these Jay stans that swallow dude on a daily basis is the fact that it’s SO obvious that Jay is playing them. Back in the day one of my peeps who ran with a couple of cats in Jay’s circle told me that Jay would invest in stuff before he started shouting it out cause he knew ya’ll stans would run out and buy whatever he said. I mean, how many of ya’ll would’ve been MORE then happy with a 4.0 Range Rover? That is til Jay told ya’ll the difference between a 4.0 and a 4.6. Now you wouldn’t be caught dead in a 4.0! And I know dudes would’ve LOVED to push a BMW X5…that is til Jay called it his baby momma whip. Or how many of ya’ll idiots stopped wearing jerseys when Jay said “I don’t wear jerseys, I’m 30+?” And went out and stocked up on button ups when he said “give me a crisp pair of jeans, nigga button up?” I always tell cats that Jay is like that part in the Wiz when the colors keep changing and the people change right along with them. One minute the color is green and then the color is red, and then gold…and cats literally follow behind Jay, panting like male groupies to find out, “what shall I do next sire?” And again, Jay throws it right back in ya’ll faces with lines like “f-ck Cristal so they ask me what we drinking.” So, you're telling me grown ass men can't even order a drink without getting Jay's co-sign? (I told ya'll they got A LOT of problems) This dude KNOWS ya’ll stans follow whatever he says. And do ya’ll think dude respects ya’ll for it? Hell no, ya’ll probably just as pathetic in his eyes as ya’ll are in mine. I mean, do you think the chick who’s playing your homeboy respects the fact that dude does WHATEVER she says? Nope. Shorty is laughing at dude like “this nigga a nut” while he’s buying her whatever she wants. The same way Jay is laughing at ya’ll while he’s buying a new whip with all ya’ll hard earned money ya’ll spend on his CD’s and all the crap ya’ll buy after he told ya’ll to buy it. (remember, he invests in the stuff he shouts out) Now after reading all of that, don’t ya’ll feel just a little bit pathetic? Well, at the end of the day, I’m sure after cats read this, I’ll lose a couple of facebook friends, twitter & instagram followers and some real life friends here and there but it’s cool. They always come back to their senses after the person they’re in love with breaks their heart. And trust, the person playing you will ALWAYS break your heart. 

4 outta 5

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